Know how some people naturally radiate positive energy? That has never been me. Over the course of my life, I have dealt with horrible shyness, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. There have been periods where these issues lessened and times when they flared up and became harder to manage. But no matter what? They were always with me.
Though my day-to-day life is positive and full of gratitude these days…. there was a time when it wasn't that way. My life was surrounded by darkness. Since this week’s theme is all about turning darkness into light, I wanted to share my own story with you all. It is one I have shared with very few people, so needless to say, it is a little nerve-wracking. Here goes.
It was my second year of university. Outside, the leaves were turning yellow and orange. The air was cool and crisp. Everything was utterly picturesque. Until the morning I woke up and felt totally different. It was as if I had gone to sleep as myself and woken up as another person altogether. I felt depressed and hated everything there was to hate about myself. I walked around with this weight on my shoulders…. this overwhelming sadness.
There was no rhyme or reason for this change. A whirlwind of negative emotions just sort of plopped into my life – and didn’t leave for the next six months. It was an extremely difficult time for me. I felt isolated and depressed all the time. Music was the only thing that made me feel understood. It was as if I couldn’t breathe properly without that blissful escape of sound. I don’t know if I was searching for my identity during that time but I remember worrying that the darkness would never go away.
Finally, it did. One morning, I woke up and felt like my old self again. The weight had been lifted from my shoulders. There was no explanation for this....but then again, there was no explanation for the depression either. For the next year or so, I lived in fear that the darkness would return. That I would once again be plunged into despair. Thankfully, that never happened.
It has been many years since that time in my life. But in a weird way, I am grateful for that period of darkness. It made me appreciate the light.